gettin weird

 

If I ever have children, the story they will NOT be hearing:

One year mommy and her friends went to celebrate New Years at a beautiful home in the Hollywood Hills.  The cab driver was determined to kill us on the way up the narrow and windy road.  He did his best, but to no avail. We had a blast at the party and called for a cab around 2:30am. While we were waiting and ditched by everyone she knew, a suicidal man kept asking your mommy for relationship advice because he had physically abused his girlfriend the night before and she wasn't returning his calls.  He had me read a song he wrote for her that was all about shooting a man in his face.  Mommy told him it was romantic to avoid being punched. At 3:00am, when no cab had arrived we were kicked to the curb so the homeowners could go to bed. While trying to keep tabs on all her friends, one of them walked into the dark abyss of the canyon and could not be found for the rest of the night/morning. We called the cab again. We continued to wait on the cold ground, when 2 very angry drunk girls who just had their car towed started talking about how they want to punch people. They emphasized their anger by throwing glass bottles into the street and at passing cars. Girls are scary, kids. Stay clear from the very blonde ones--the ones with glitter all over their faces and their butt cheeks hanging outside of their shorts. They are a rare breed of violent and volatile. 3:30am - no cab.  Called again. I only know this timeline because we called the cab company every 3 or so minutes at this point, so I have phone records. Somewhere around 4:50  (which is really the most un-adorable hour I've ever been privy to be awake for) a strange man drove past us on the side of the canyon and said to me, "I know you from El Centro!" and offered to drive us home.  Now mommy's survival instincts kicked in again. Anyone who has anything to do with the area around my office should IMMEDIATELY be ruled out as safe and reliable, but I had a hard time convincing my friends otherwise...and I was tired/making poor desperate decisions...so in the car we went. The first thing he says is how he just spent the last several hours "smoking mad blunts", so I'm assuming what the cab driver was earlier unable to accomplish, this rapper-man was about to finish. 

Needless to say I'm alive despite all the odds being against me. I got home around 5:30am.  

I then made a corn-dog and went to bed. Which was my original NYE plans, by the way...and it was lovely.